blah...

107... maybe tomorrow morning I'll hit 106-105

Like everyone else.

I'm starting to feel like having an E.D kind of takes away your identity.  I love reading through the other blogs. Its lovely to feel not alone. But it does disturb me how we all seem to think and write alike.  Its understandable, we are all going through the same thing so of course our thoughts and fears are going to be the same but its eerie how much of it is the same.  Other then the obivous counting calories and weigh in, its all life sucks shit, no one likes their job (no one I read so far) parents are assholes, people are assholes, friends don't get it, strangers give more problems, issues in the dressing room, constantly pressure from within then anywhere else and whenever theirs a little victory its overshowed by the huge failure of not loosing more. 

I'm depressed enough today to starve myself I think.  No contract in the mail yet. No food for me.

Blah

Woke up and 108 Ibs this morning... but I also woke up really bloated...
Have to keep myself from eating today.

So then this happened...

Well I was one 106 yesterday. Then 107 this morning and 108 right now...
I will loose this weight.
I'm thinking of putting up my wedding picture on the fridge.  I was really fat then and maybe I can keep myself from going any further. I want to hit 100 by valentines day.
That picture makes me break out into tears and shakes.
I didn't get a dress or anything its just a tank top and jeans... my cheeks are all puffy and my stomach sticks out. I hate it. I'm embaressed of myself. But I think I'll put it up.
I'm worried though. It shouldn't be a picture of 'OH YOUR FAT- LOOSE WEIGHT' it should be a picture of 'Your going to be the one you love for the rest of your life, you should be happy.'
But no not me.  I see fat. I see myself in parts... 

I spent forever drawing this freakin layout and shit and I barely use this blog.  I actually was going to draw another background but I like this one... Going to be hard to top.

I wish I was in area where we have to walk around more. I'm tired of sitting at home or in the car. I miss the city. I hate arkansas.

I hope I get that drawing contract...I hope I can start a career. But honestly I don't want to be the bread winner.  I'd rather my husband be. I want to be a mom.  You can't be a mom and have a career. At least I don't think so.  I can't be focused on drawing, storylines, and plots and also be focused on a child. I don't see how you can split that attention.

I think I drank close to two gallons worth of tea today. And four laxitives. I ate all the food in the house today and I didn't buy anymore. So I'm stuck with carrots and extra gum.
We bought dumplings two days ago though. I hope I don't like them.  I don't want to like them.

My body is craving sugar. No. Its craving cheese and chocolate. I always want cheese and chocolate. On a second by second basis I think of cheese and chocolate.  Cheddar, Mozzarella.... polly-o string cheese.... milk chocolate dove with the almonds in it. 

I was working off what I ate but then I saw my husbands face sink when he saw me on the bike. I got off and ate some peaches.   I hate it. I wish he would stop making me feel guilty. 

But theres no food in the house.  Just tea. 

And I will not go food shopping with him anymore. He can go by himself.

I wonder if I'll look back on these and think I'm crazy. I'm sure I will. 

But I don't want help. I want to sink deeper and deeper into myself and loose all control and just starve.

I'll be 100 pounds by valentines day.

I wonder if anyone will notice.
I wonder if I'll get my contract by then....

Another Day, Another Pound.

That last post was written yesterday I didn't submit it.
This morning I woke up 111.5 a lot better then 113. I need to stay strong and just not stuff myself like I always do.  Apparently I have to be 108Ibs to be an anorexic weight, I'm a lot shorter then I thought. Three more pounds. By thursday maybe I'll loose it all if I just stay strong and not give in to chocolate or goldfish. The only two foods I really think about on a constant basis... I doubt by Thursday... five days away. Maybe... If I'm lucky and don't fuck up.

Blah... Merry Christmas.

113.5 pounds today... probably 114 or 115 or something. I've been craving chocolate like mad and its not even the taste- its like this need I feel in my ribs and in my gut to just inhale chocolate as much as I can. I ate like 2k calories worth. I feel disgusting. I still have a bag opened with the remaining chocolate left and I'm trying my hardest to keep myself from eating it.
I'm tired and my body hurts. This week was awful, my entire body ached, I felt like an old person whenever I tried to bend down I had to hold on to something because of the pain.
I was reading anorexic blogs and shit, and I came across this father who was writing on behalf of his daughter who lost like 35 pounds and was anorexic. He said he would stay up all night crying and worry about his daughter dying in her sleep or slowly starve her already weak heart into never beating again.
I worry about that... but not enough. Or maybe I do and thats why I'm turning into a fat cow. I don't get why death and the inability to reproduce isn't steering me away from this beauty ideal I hold so highly.
I've also been abusing laxatives... I just need the matter out of me, I don't want to purge or chew and spit so its my only opinion other then just not stuffing my fat face already.
I'm always tired... I just want to sleep. I have work tomorrow... not looking forward to that but at least the running around and carrying heavy books makes me feel better... and worst. I don't know.

Blah

Still fucking fat, 111 pounds this morning... probably more now because I had a lot of cheese. I was 108 a few days ago but I thought I could eat.

I just can't not eat- but I feel like I should I can't get passed 109 as my 'normal' weight. I keep planning on going lower and lower but I never do.  And while I mentally struggle with all this bullshit david is looking up funny videos...

Work is okay... its work, I might get fired though cause I can't count change.

The only time I feel ling starving myself is when I'm bloated and full and gross... not before. I need to to just get to 105.. I know nothing magical will happen but at least I know I could do it instead of constantly sabotaging myself.  I feel theres a rift between me and david... I dunno, at least I'm working now and I just have to work a year to pay him back for working a year and then I won't feel guilty about that either.   I need to just stop.  I dunno, at least I know if all goes to shit I can be a nun. Not that it will be easy but at least after I prove myself I can fucking have a secure place to live and stay.  I think david just ignores whats going on. When I tell people he's useless when it comes to what I'm going through he gets all pissed off but he fucking is. He just watches funny videos and ignores shit. He doesn't fucking understand and I wish he would just admit that and since he has no fucking clue to just let me do what I want. I pay for everything now I should at least have the choice to do whatever I want.  Tired of him judging me. Tired of everyone judging me... Green says I'm to smart for this and she's annoyed but we are going through the same thing basically... she over eats and I under eat and we get the same result but I can't undergo a surgery that would fix my brain- I have to just deal with the voices, pressures and anxiety that comes with it.  I just need to stop... If i want to destroy myself its own freaking choice...