Another Day, Another Pound.

That last post was written yesterday I didn't submit it.
This morning I woke up 111.5 a lot better then 113. I need to stay strong and just not stuff myself like I always do.  Apparently I have to be 108Ibs to be an anorexic weight, I'm a lot shorter then I thought. Three more pounds. By thursday maybe I'll loose it all if I just stay strong and not give in to chocolate or goldfish. The only two foods I really think about on a constant basis... I doubt by Thursday... five days away. Maybe... If I'm lucky and don't fuck up.

Blah... Merry Christmas.

113.5 pounds today... probably 114 or 115 or something. I've been craving chocolate like mad and its not even the taste- its like this need I feel in my ribs and in my gut to just inhale chocolate as much as I can. I ate like 2k calories worth. I feel disgusting. I still have a bag opened with the remaining chocolate left and I'm trying my hardest to keep myself from eating it.
I'm tired and my body hurts. This week was awful, my entire body ached, I felt like an old person whenever I tried to bend down I had to hold on to something because of the pain.
I was reading anorexic blogs and shit, and I came across this father who was writing on behalf of his daughter who lost like 35 pounds and was anorexic. He said he would stay up all night crying and worry about his daughter dying in her sleep or slowly starve her already weak heart into never beating again.
I worry about that... but not enough. Or maybe I do and thats why I'm turning into a fat cow. I don't get why death and the inability to reproduce isn't steering me away from this beauty ideal I hold so highly.
I've also been abusing laxatives... I just need the matter out of me, I don't want to purge or chew and spit so its my only opinion other then just not stuffing my fat face already.
I'm always tired... I just want to sleep. I have work tomorrow... not looking forward to that but at least the running around and carrying heavy books makes me feel better... and worst. I don't know.

Blah

Still fucking fat, 111 pounds this morning... probably more now because I had a lot of cheese. I was 108 a few days ago but I thought I could eat.

I just can't not eat- but I feel like I should I can't get passed 109 as my 'normal' weight. I keep planning on going lower and lower but I never do.  And while I mentally struggle with all this bullshit david is looking up funny videos...

Work is okay... its work, I might get fired though cause I can't count change.

The only time I feel ling starving myself is when I'm bloated and full and gross... not before. I need to to just get to 105.. I know nothing magical will happen but at least I know I could do it instead of constantly sabotaging myself.  I feel theres a rift between me and david... I dunno, at least I'm working now and I just have to work a year to pay him back for working a year and then I won't feel guilty about that either.   I need to just stop.  I dunno, at least I know if all goes to shit I can be a nun. Not that it will be easy but at least after I prove myself I can fucking have a secure place to live and stay.  I think david just ignores whats going on. When I tell people he's useless when it comes to what I'm going through he gets all pissed off but he fucking is. He just watches funny videos and ignores shit. He doesn't fucking understand and I wish he would just admit that and since he has no fucking clue to just let me do what I want. I pay for everything now I should at least have the choice to do whatever I want.  Tired of him judging me. Tired of everyone judging me... Green says I'm to smart for this and she's annoyed but we are going through the same thing basically... she over eats and I under eat and we get the same result but I can't undergo a surgery that would fix my brain- I have to just deal with the voices, pressures and anxiety that comes with it.  I just need to stop... If i want to destroy myself its own freaking choice...