Another Day, Another Pound.

That last post was written yesterday I didn't submit it.
This morning I woke up 111.5 a lot better then 113. I need to stay strong and just not stuff myself like I always do.  Apparently I have to be 108Ibs to be an anorexic weight, I'm a lot shorter then I thought. Three more pounds. By thursday maybe I'll loose it all if I just stay strong and not give in to chocolate or goldfish. The only two foods I really think about on a constant basis... I doubt by Thursday... five days away. Maybe... If I'm lucky and don't fuck up.

Blah... Merry Christmas.

113.5 pounds today... probably 114 or 115 or something. I've been craving chocolate like mad and its not even the taste- its like this need I feel in my ribs and in my gut to just inhale chocolate as much as I can. I ate like 2k calories worth. I feel disgusting. I still have a bag opened with the remaining chocolate left and I'm trying my hardest to keep myself from eating it.
I'm tired and my body hurts. This week was awful, my entire body ached, I felt like an old person whenever I tried to bend down I had to hold on to something because of the pain.
I was reading anorexic blogs and shit, and I came across this father who was writing on behalf of his daughter who lost like 35 pounds and was anorexic. He said he would stay up all night crying and worry about his daughter dying in her sleep or slowly starve her already weak heart into never beating again.
I worry about that... but not enough. Or maybe I do and thats why I'm turning into a fat cow. I don't get why death and the inability to reproduce isn't steering me away from this beauty ideal I hold so highly.
I've also been abusing laxatives... I just need the matter out of me, I don't want to purge or chew and spit so its my only opinion other then just not stuffing my fat face already.
I'm always tired... I just want to sleep. I have work tomorrow... not looking forward to that but at least the running around and carrying heavy books makes me feel better... and worst. I don't know.

Blah

Still fucking fat, 111 pounds this morning... probably more now because I had a lot of cheese. I was 108 a few days ago but I thought I could eat.

I just can't not eat- but I feel like I should I can't get passed 109 as my 'normal' weight. I keep planning on going lower and lower but I never do.  And while I mentally struggle with all this bullshit david is looking up funny videos...

Work is okay... its work, I might get fired though cause I can't count change.

The only time I feel ling starving myself is when I'm bloated and full and gross... not before. I need to to just get to 105.. I know nothing magical will happen but at least I know I could do it instead of constantly sabotaging myself.  I feel theres a rift between me and david... I dunno, at least I'm working now and I just have to work a year to pay him back for working a year and then I won't feel guilty about that either.   I need to just stop.  I dunno, at least I know if all goes to shit I can be a nun. Not that it will be easy but at least after I prove myself I can fucking have a secure place to live and stay.  I think david just ignores whats going on. When I tell people he's useless when it comes to what I'm going through he gets all pissed off but he fucking is. He just watches funny videos and ignores shit. He doesn't fucking understand and I wish he would just admit that and since he has no fucking clue to just let me do what I want. I pay for everything now I should at least have the choice to do whatever I want.  Tired of him judging me. Tired of everyone judging me... Green says I'm to smart for this and she's annoyed but we are going through the same thing basically... she over eats and I under eat and we get the same result but I can't undergo a surgery that would fix my brain- I have to just deal with the voices, pressures and anxiety that comes with it.  I just need to stop... If i want to destroy myself its own freaking choice...

So I'm 109 Ibs now... I was 113... I want to be 107 by the end of the weekend but I don't think I'll be able to. I got a red bracelet to remind myself not to eat. One of those god forsaken 'ana bracelets' but I just look at it and think of the baby I'll never have. 

Work is shit... and I'm trying to draw and make something on a canvas but I'm shit at traditional art.

I feel useless... and fat. I'm just feeding into my problems. I bought jeans that don't really fit me. I mean I fit into them.. size 3. But I want them to be loose... right now they just fit... their not baggy.

Gah

So... I got my paycheck. And I had a shit morning because ghetto chicks are fucking a pain in my ass. I semi stole a belt... and my job is slowly making me racist...

Honestly I can handle when the white people call all irate but when ghetto entitled ignorant bitches call something in me just makes my heart beat faster and I get angrier and ready to fight for some reason.

Shit has happened but nothing really mentally has happened...

I'm still eating and slowly watching myself balloon up. I kind of do hope my 'OMG I'M GETTING FAT I WANNA STARVE!' thing kicks in...
Looking forward to my next pay checks... sucks I gotta wait till next week...

Feeling better, I've been eating and slowly not hating myself as much.  I just wonder how its going to be later on down the road.

Trying to find another job.

I'm shit in sales...

I can't force product down someones throat who clearly doesn't want that shit...

I hope i can keep my job, and my figure... Its so late for my sanity.

Not much to write today.  Work kills brain cells.

I'll try and draw something everytime I post... I think it lets me be a bit more weird and loose then I usually am when drawing.

David caught another fly. I just say 'fly' and he just gets it and kills it without any other word.  I just don't understand why he's so nice sometimes.

He also left a sweet message on my deviantart... I dunno.

I'm looking forward to my paycheck. I seriously want to some new fucking clothes.

Its a lot easier to work on superficial silly things like making my hair nice, and making myself look nice then actually working on drawing, or writing or becoming a better person.

Fuck being a better person. I wouldn't know how to go about that. I'm a selfish asshole who hates more then I care...  I'm 113 pounds...

Getter fatter by the hour. Like an inflattable mattress but instead of air its lard.

Fucking shit...

Basically. I ate a lot. Stuffing myself like a prize fucking cow. I've been wondering if I should even have any fucking kids. I probably shouldn't. What if I turn into my mother?

I'd fucking kill myself.

The moment of revelation that comes to me that I have turned into my mother is the moment I close my eyes, hold my breathe and just save the world another asshole. My mom should have killed herself. She should have killed herself a long time ago.

I shouldn't have kids, and I feel guilty for being married. He could do better. If I was going to kill myself I would wait... Like save some money take out a life insurance plan on me that way when I die at least he'll have some cash.

Finally get a dog without me bitching...

I don't like dogs.

He's playing video games right, he has been all day... I think thats all he does all day is just shoot people on the tv. Its weird. Not that I did anything productive while I was home.

I did nothing. At least I'm doing something for him. But he needs me like he needs a tumor in his nuts.

I liked starving a lot more then this shit.

Another Day, Another Pound.

Mood: Full, Annoyed and happy
Weight: A lot...


Another attempt to get better which, from the last attempts probably will just end like the other ones. Binging till I hate myself and then starving for a week... Apparently I'm crazy. But I don't 'feel' crazy. I just feel fat. I don't think I'm doing this for control reason but simply because I'm tired of looking like a giant fucking whale all the time. I guess I assume if I get to a better weight everything else that's wrong with me physically will fall into place. I know its a silly assumption but its something I'd like to believe is true.

David was upset because I'm destroying my chances at having normal babies, or babies period. Apparently girls who starve themselves give birth to retards or still borns. I'm sure its a higher risk but I don't think its like every freakin kid born to a anorexic is fucked up.

I just assume once I get to the weight I want I can maintain and eat up to 1000 cals a day rather then... a lot less then that.

I really wanted to get to 98 pounds by my birthday. It was something I seriously looking forward too but I don't think its happening.

Maybe I'm just fucking up my own shit by telling David. I should have kept it to myself but I was tired of being ashamed of what I was doing. I figured if I just put my foot down and told him, 'fuck you I'm doing this and theres nothing you can do about it' he would just concede and let me be and I can shrink and be happy. But no, the morning following he was quite and distant and had this sad look in his eyes. He says I'm scary skinny but I've seen scary skinny and I'm not even close to that.


I see the girls on thinspo and I guess I'm just not ready to give up that I will never look like that. I hope one day I can but I don't think so... not in a relationship like this.

If I was living by myself I think I would have lost the weight by now. I wouldn't spend money on food, I would have 'reminders' of whats to come all over the place, pictures of skinny people on the fridge. All that crazy shit. And spent more money on clothes rather then food. But I have yet to get my first paycheck.
Looking forward to it.

Well, kind of. I didn't want to be bigger then a size 3 in jeans but I probably am by now.

I don't really get why I was made so ugly. I know their are uglier people out there... but seriously, who wants to be one of them... I'm not crazy I'm just fat. I just want to not be fat. I don't see whats the big deal.

Lots of women starve themselves to loose weight. It isn't a control issue or that bullshit. I just want to not be fat.

David likes I how I was before. He's into fat girls. I see my wedding photos and old pictures from last year and in each picture looks like I'm fucking pregnant. I'm fucking huge in each photo I'm in and everything is just wrong and off and ugly. I can't take photos well.

Normal weight would be 120 but that is way too much weight. Just too much. I'm not going there. I refuse.

I hate what I ate today. I hate all of this.