Blah

Still fucking fat, 111 pounds this morning... probably more now because I had a lot of cheese. I was 108 a few days ago but I thought I could eat.

I just can't not eat- but I feel like I should I can't get passed 109 as my 'normal' weight. I keep planning on going lower and lower but I never do.  And while I mentally struggle with all this bullshit david is looking up funny videos...

Work is okay... its work, I might get fired though cause I can't count change.

The only time I feel ling starving myself is when I'm bloated and full and gross... not before. I need to to just get to 105.. I know nothing magical will happen but at least I know I could do it instead of constantly sabotaging myself.  I feel theres a rift between me and david... I dunno, at least I'm working now and I just have to work a year to pay him back for working a year and then I won't feel guilty about that either.   I need to just stop.  I dunno, at least I know if all goes to shit I can be a nun. Not that it will be easy but at least after I prove myself I can fucking have a secure place to live and stay.  I think david just ignores whats going on. When I tell people he's useless when it comes to what I'm going through he gets all pissed off but he fucking is. He just watches funny videos and ignores shit. He doesn't fucking understand and I wish he would just admit that and since he has no fucking clue to just let me do what I want. I pay for everything now I should at least have the choice to do whatever I want.  Tired of him judging me. Tired of everyone judging me... Green says I'm to smart for this and she's annoyed but we are going through the same thing basically... she over eats and I under eat and we get the same result but I can't undergo a surgery that would fix my brain- I have to just deal with the voices, pressures and anxiety that comes with it.  I just need to stop... If i want to destroy myself its own freaking choice...