So then this happened...

Well I was one 106 yesterday. Then 107 this morning and 108 right now...
I will loose this weight.
I'm thinking of putting up my wedding picture on the fridge.  I was really fat then and maybe I can keep myself from going any further. I want to hit 100 by valentines day.
That picture makes me break out into tears and shakes.
I didn't get a dress or anything its just a tank top and jeans... my cheeks are all puffy and my stomach sticks out. I hate it. I'm embaressed of myself. But I think I'll put it up.
I'm worried though. It shouldn't be a picture of 'OH YOUR FAT- LOOSE WEIGHT' it should be a picture of 'Your going to be the one you love for the rest of your life, you should be happy.'
But no not me.  I see fat. I see myself in parts... 

I spent forever drawing this freakin layout and shit and I barely use this blog.  I actually was going to draw another background but I like this one... Going to be hard to top.

I wish I was in area where we have to walk around more. I'm tired of sitting at home or in the car. I miss the city. I hate arkansas.

I hope I get that drawing contract...I hope I can start a career. But honestly I don't want to be the bread winner.  I'd rather my husband be. I want to be a mom.  You can't be a mom and have a career. At least I don't think so.  I can't be focused on drawing, storylines, and plots and also be focused on a child. I don't see how you can split that attention.

I think I drank close to two gallons worth of tea today. And four laxitives. I ate all the food in the house today and I didn't buy anymore. So I'm stuck with carrots and extra gum.
We bought dumplings two days ago though. I hope I don't like them.  I don't want to like them.

My body is craving sugar. No. Its craving cheese and chocolate. I always want cheese and chocolate. On a second by second basis I think of cheese and chocolate.  Cheddar, Mozzarella.... polly-o string cheese.... milk chocolate dove with the almonds in it. 

I was working off what I ate but then I saw my husbands face sink when he saw me on the bike. I got off and ate some peaches.   I hate it. I wish he would stop making me feel guilty. 

But theres no food in the house.  Just tea. 

And I will not go food shopping with him anymore. He can go by himself.

I wonder if I'll look back on these and think I'm crazy. I'm sure I will. 

But I don't want help. I want to sink deeper and deeper into myself and loose all control and just starve.

I'll be 100 pounds by valentines day.

I wonder if anyone will notice.
I wonder if I'll get my contract by then....