Blah... Merry Christmas.

113.5 pounds today... probably 114 or 115 or something. I've been craving chocolate like mad and its not even the taste- its like this need I feel in my ribs and in my gut to just inhale chocolate as much as I can. I ate like 2k calories worth. I feel disgusting. I still have a bag opened with the remaining chocolate left and I'm trying my hardest to keep myself from eating it.
I'm tired and my body hurts. This week was awful, my entire body ached, I felt like an old person whenever I tried to bend down I had to hold on to something because of the pain.
I was reading anorexic blogs and shit, and I came across this father who was writing on behalf of his daughter who lost like 35 pounds and was anorexic. He said he would stay up all night crying and worry about his daughter dying in her sleep or slowly starve her already weak heart into never beating again.
I worry about that... but not enough. Or maybe I do and thats why I'm turning into a fat cow. I don't get why death and the inability to reproduce isn't steering me away from this beauty ideal I hold so highly.
I've also been abusing laxatives... I just need the matter out of me, I don't want to purge or chew and spit so its my only opinion other then just not stuffing my fat face already.
I'm always tired... I just want to sleep. I have work tomorrow... not looking forward to that but at least the running around and carrying heavy books makes me feel better... and worst. I don't know.