Descent

I don’t mind being enormously fat… I come from a long line of fat people. My old man tortured himself for 40 years going from 200 to 300 [pounds] and back again. He eventually lost the weight, but he also lost his mind. 

-James Taylor  'The last fat man' died at 607 pounds

I tried to take out the fat from my thighs with my bare hands...
I have scars on my thighs now... really big long ones... I should have cut my nails....

I'm not doing well.

Something I saw

Saw thisand totally related. NOT made by me... I'm pretty sure its linked to where I found it. Anyways I love this little fat girl. I know her pain.

Fatty Fat Mc. Fatster

Once I start I can't stop.  Davids mom invited us to Pizza Hut and I was dreaded it cause I love Pizza Hut and I knew I would stuff myself. And I DID. Four slices.  Didn't even like them.  I ate more then everyone.  Blah.  Took a ton of laxatives and waiting for those to kick in.  I hate living in a town where walking is rare. The only time people walk here is if they got a DUI.

I miss New York City.

Drew more shit.  Gained more shit.  I just want to eat a shit load and puke and die.  This is shit. All of this is shit.

I have no self control. All I want is granola. I could eat granola allllllll day. blah.

Work tomorrow. Work is shit.

Another bad day

  Another bad day, 110 pounds...no contract and I sat on my ass alllllllllll day.  But I'm an artist. So I sit on my ass all day and move one part of my body.
Most of what I drew is crap but I did manage to crank this out in an hour, its Anjelica Huston. I wish she was my mother.
I know usually shes a brunette but I dunno... I had a vison where she was the sun and the sky.

Not a vision. I don't know what. But nothing as pompous sounding as 'I had a vision'

But yeaaahh.... everything I draw and am is crap.


If only I was less of it.

blah...

107... maybe tomorrow morning I'll hit 106-105

Like everyone else.

I'm starting to feel like having an E.D kind of takes away your identity.  I love reading through the other blogs. Its lovely to feel not alone. But it does disturb me how we all seem to think and write alike.  Its understandable, we are all going through the same thing so of course our thoughts and fears are going to be the same but its eerie how much of it is the same.  Other then the obivous counting calories and weigh in, its all life sucks shit, no one likes their job (no one I read so far) parents are assholes, people are assholes, friends don't get it, strangers give more problems, issues in the dressing room, constantly pressure from within then anywhere else and whenever theirs a little victory its overshowed by the huge failure of not loosing more. 

I'm depressed enough today to starve myself I think.  No contract in the mail yet. No food for me.

Blah

Woke up and 108 Ibs this morning... but I also woke up really bloated...
Have to keep myself from eating today.

So then this happened...

Well I was one 106 yesterday. Then 107 this morning and 108 right now...
I will loose this weight.
I'm thinking of putting up my wedding picture on the fridge.  I was really fat then and maybe I can keep myself from going any further. I want to hit 100 by valentines day.
That picture makes me break out into tears and shakes.
I didn't get a dress or anything its just a tank top and jeans... my cheeks are all puffy and my stomach sticks out. I hate it. I'm embaressed of myself. But I think I'll put it up.
I'm worried though. It shouldn't be a picture of 'OH YOUR FAT- LOOSE WEIGHT' it should be a picture of 'Your going to be the one you love for the rest of your life, you should be happy.'
But no not me.  I see fat. I see myself in parts... 

I spent forever drawing this freakin layout and shit and I barely use this blog.  I actually was going to draw another background but I like this one... Going to be hard to top.

I wish I was in area where we have to walk around more. I'm tired of sitting at home or in the car. I miss the city. I hate arkansas.

I hope I get that drawing contract...I hope I can start a career. But honestly I don't want to be the bread winner.  I'd rather my husband be. I want to be a mom.  You can't be a mom and have a career. At least I don't think so.  I can't be focused on drawing, storylines, and plots and also be focused on a child. I don't see how you can split that attention.

I think I drank close to two gallons worth of tea today. And four laxitives. I ate all the food in the house today and I didn't buy anymore. So I'm stuck with carrots and extra gum.
We bought dumplings two days ago though. I hope I don't like them.  I don't want to like them.

My body is craving sugar. No. Its craving cheese and chocolate. I always want cheese and chocolate. On a second by second basis I think of cheese and chocolate.  Cheddar, Mozzarella.... polly-o string cheese.... milk chocolate dove with the almonds in it. 

I was working off what I ate but then I saw my husbands face sink when he saw me on the bike. I got off and ate some peaches.   I hate it. I wish he would stop making me feel guilty. 

But theres no food in the house.  Just tea. 

And I will not go food shopping with him anymore. He can go by himself.

I wonder if I'll look back on these and think I'm crazy. I'm sure I will. 

But I don't want help. I want to sink deeper and deeper into myself and loose all control and just starve.

I'll be 100 pounds by valentines day.

I wonder if anyone will notice.
I wonder if I'll get my contract by then....