Another Day, Another Pound.

Mood: Full, Annoyed and happy
Weight: A lot...


Another attempt to get better which, from the last attempts probably will just end like the other ones. Binging till I hate myself and then starving for a week... Apparently I'm crazy. But I don't 'feel' crazy. I just feel fat. I don't think I'm doing this for control reason but simply because I'm tired of looking like a giant fucking whale all the time. I guess I assume if I get to a better weight everything else that's wrong with me physically will fall into place. I know its a silly assumption but its something I'd like to believe is true.

David was upset because I'm destroying my chances at having normal babies, or babies period. Apparently girls who starve themselves give birth to retards or still borns. I'm sure its a higher risk but I don't think its like every freakin kid born to a anorexic is fucked up.

I just assume once I get to the weight I want I can maintain and eat up to 1000 cals a day rather then... a lot less then that.

I really wanted to get to 98 pounds by my birthday. It was something I seriously looking forward too but I don't think its happening.

Maybe I'm just fucking up my own shit by telling David. I should have kept it to myself but I was tired of being ashamed of what I was doing. I figured if I just put my foot down and told him, 'fuck you I'm doing this and theres nothing you can do about it' he would just concede and let me be and I can shrink and be happy. But no, the morning following he was quite and distant and had this sad look in his eyes. He says I'm scary skinny but I've seen scary skinny and I'm not even close to that.


I see the girls on thinspo and I guess I'm just not ready to give up that I will never look like that. I hope one day I can but I don't think so... not in a relationship like this.

If I was living by myself I think I would have lost the weight by now. I wouldn't spend money on food, I would have 'reminders' of whats to come all over the place, pictures of skinny people on the fridge. All that crazy shit. And spent more money on clothes rather then food. But I have yet to get my first paycheck.
Looking forward to it.

Well, kind of. I didn't want to be bigger then a size 3 in jeans but I probably am by now.

I don't really get why I was made so ugly. I know their are uglier people out there... but seriously, who wants to be one of them... I'm not crazy I'm just fat. I just want to not be fat. I don't see whats the big deal.

Lots of women starve themselves to loose weight. It isn't a control issue or that bullshit. I just want to not be fat.

David likes I how I was before. He's into fat girls. I see my wedding photos and old pictures from last year and in each picture looks like I'm fucking pregnant. I'm fucking huge in each photo I'm in and everything is just wrong and off and ugly. I can't take photos well.

Normal weight would be 120 but that is way too much weight. Just too much. I'm not going there. I refuse.

I hate what I ate today. I hate all of this.