So I'm 109 Ibs now... I was 113... I want to be 107 by the end of the weekend but I don't think I'll be able to. I got a red bracelet to remind myself not to eat. One of those god forsaken 'ana bracelets' but I just look at it and think of the baby I'll never have. 

Work is shit... and I'm trying to draw and make something on a canvas but I'm shit at traditional art.

I feel useless... and fat. I'm just feeding into my problems. I bought jeans that don't really fit me. I mean I fit into them.. size 3. But I want them to be loose... right now they just fit... their not baggy.

Gah

So... I got my paycheck. And I had a shit morning because ghetto chicks are fucking a pain in my ass. I semi stole a belt... and my job is slowly making me racist...

Honestly I can handle when the white people call all irate but when ghetto entitled ignorant bitches call something in me just makes my heart beat faster and I get angrier and ready to fight for some reason.

Shit has happened but nothing really mentally has happened...

I'm still eating and slowly watching myself balloon up. I kind of do hope my 'OMG I'M GETTING FAT I WANNA STARVE!' thing kicks in...
Looking forward to my next pay checks... sucks I gotta wait till next week...

Feeling better, I've been eating and slowly not hating myself as much.  I just wonder how its going to be later on down the road.

Trying to find another job.

I'm shit in sales...

I can't force product down someones throat who clearly doesn't want that shit...

I hope i can keep my job, and my figure... Its so late for my sanity.

Not much to write today.  Work kills brain cells.

I'll try and draw something everytime I post... I think it lets me be a bit more weird and loose then I usually am when drawing.

David caught another fly. I just say 'fly' and he just gets it and kills it without any other word.  I just don't understand why he's so nice sometimes.

He also left a sweet message on my deviantart... I dunno.

I'm looking forward to my paycheck. I seriously want to some new fucking clothes.

Its a lot easier to work on superficial silly things like making my hair nice, and making myself look nice then actually working on drawing, or writing or becoming a better person.

Fuck being a better person. I wouldn't know how to go about that. I'm a selfish asshole who hates more then I care...  I'm 113 pounds...

Getter fatter by the hour. Like an inflattable mattress but instead of air its lard.

Fucking shit...

Basically. I ate a lot. Stuffing myself like a prize fucking cow. I've been wondering if I should even have any fucking kids. I probably shouldn't. What if I turn into my mother?

I'd fucking kill myself.

The moment of revelation that comes to me that I have turned into my mother is the moment I close my eyes, hold my breathe and just save the world another asshole. My mom should have killed herself. She should have killed herself a long time ago.

I shouldn't have kids, and I feel guilty for being married. He could do better. If I was going to kill myself I would wait... Like save some money take out a life insurance plan on me that way when I die at least he'll have some cash.

Finally get a dog without me bitching...

I don't like dogs.

He's playing video games right, he has been all day... I think thats all he does all day is just shoot people on the tv. Its weird. Not that I did anything productive while I was home.

I did nothing. At least I'm doing something for him. But he needs me like he needs a tumor in his nuts.

I liked starving a lot more then this shit.

Another Day, Another Pound.

Mood: Full, Annoyed and happy
Weight: A lot...


Another attempt to get better which, from the last attempts probably will just end like the other ones. Binging till I hate myself and then starving for a week... Apparently I'm crazy. But I don't 'feel' crazy. I just feel fat. I don't think I'm doing this for control reason but simply because I'm tired of looking like a giant fucking whale all the time. I guess I assume if I get to a better weight everything else that's wrong with me physically will fall into place. I know its a silly assumption but its something I'd like to believe is true.

David was upset because I'm destroying my chances at having normal babies, or babies period. Apparently girls who starve themselves give birth to retards or still borns. I'm sure its a higher risk but I don't think its like every freakin kid born to a anorexic is fucked up.

I just assume once I get to the weight I want I can maintain and eat up to 1000 cals a day rather then... a lot less then that.

I really wanted to get to 98 pounds by my birthday. It was something I seriously looking forward too but I don't think its happening.

Maybe I'm just fucking up my own shit by telling David. I should have kept it to myself but I was tired of being ashamed of what I was doing. I figured if I just put my foot down and told him, 'fuck you I'm doing this and theres nothing you can do about it' he would just concede and let me be and I can shrink and be happy. But no, the morning following he was quite and distant and had this sad look in his eyes. He says I'm scary skinny but I've seen scary skinny and I'm not even close to that.


I see the girls on thinspo and I guess I'm just not ready to give up that I will never look like that. I hope one day I can but I don't think so... not in a relationship like this.

If I was living by myself I think I would have lost the weight by now. I wouldn't spend money on food, I would have 'reminders' of whats to come all over the place, pictures of skinny people on the fridge. All that crazy shit. And spent more money on clothes rather then food. But I have yet to get my first paycheck.
Looking forward to it.

Well, kind of. I didn't want to be bigger then a size 3 in jeans but I probably am by now.

I don't really get why I was made so ugly. I know their are uglier people out there... but seriously, who wants to be one of them... I'm not crazy I'm just fat. I just want to not be fat. I don't see whats the big deal.

Lots of women starve themselves to loose weight. It isn't a control issue or that bullshit. I just want to not be fat.

David likes I how I was before. He's into fat girls. I see my wedding photos and old pictures from last year and in each picture looks like I'm fucking pregnant. I'm fucking huge in each photo I'm in and everything is just wrong and off and ugly. I can't take photos well.

Normal weight would be 120 but that is way too much weight. Just too much. I'm not going there. I refuse.

I hate what I ate today. I hate all of this.