Descent

I don’t mind being enormously fat… I come from a long line of fat people. My old man tortured himself for 40 years going from 200 to 300 [pounds] and back again. He eventually lost the weight, but he also lost his mind. 

-James Taylor  'The last fat man' died at 607 pounds

I tried to take out the fat from my thighs with my bare hands...
I have scars on my thighs now... really big long ones... I should have cut my nails....

I'm not doing well.

Something I saw

Saw thisand totally related. NOT made by me... I'm pretty sure its linked to where I found it. Anyways I love this little fat girl. I know her pain.

Fatty Fat Mc. Fatster

Once I start I can't stop.  Davids mom invited us to Pizza Hut and I was dreaded it cause I love Pizza Hut and I knew I would stuff myself. And I DID. Four slices.  Didn't even like them.  I ate more then everyone.  Blah.  Took a ton of laxatives and waiting for those to kick in.  I hate living in a town where walking is rare. The only time people walk here is if they got a DUI.

I miss New York City.

Drew more shit.  Gained more shit.  I just want to eat a shit load and puke and die.  This is shit. All of this is shit.

I have no self control. All I want is granola. I could eat granola allllllll day. blah.

Work tomorrow. Work is shit.

Another bad day

  Another bad day, 110 pounds...no contract and I sat on my ass alllllllllll day.  But I'm an artist. So I sit on my ass all day and move one part of my body.
Most of what I drew is crap but I did manage to crank this out in an hour, its Anjelica Huston. I wish she was my mother.
I know usually shes a brunette but I dunno... I had a vison where she was the sun and the sky.

Not a vision. I don't know what. But nothing as pompous sounding as 'I had a vision'

But yeaaahh.... everything I draw and am is crap.


If only I was less of it.

blah...

107... maybe tomorrow morning I'll hit 106-105

Like everyone else.

I'm starting to feel like having an E.D kind of takes away your identity.  I love reading through the other blogs. Its lovely to feel not alone. But it does disturb me how we all seem to think and write alike.  Its understandable, we are all going through the same thing so of course our thoughts and fears are going to be the same but its eerie how much of it is the same.  Other then the obivous counting calories and weigh in, its all life sucks shit, no one likes their job (no one I read so far) parents are assholes, people are assholes, friends don't get it, strangers give more problems, issues in the dressing room, constantly pressure from within then anywhere else and whenever theirs a little victory its overshowed by the huge failure of not loosing more. 

I'm depressed enough today to starve myself I think.  No contract in the mail yet. No food for me.

Blah

Woke up and 108 Ibs this morning... but I also woke up really bloated...
Have to keep myself from eating today.